December 22, 2025
The one thing television news loves more than anything else is protestors. They adore them. You only need to oppose the Government and they’ll travel hundreds of kilometres to record your protest. If you wave a billboard, that’s even better. They pant with pleasure.
Even if there’s only one or two of you, you’ll still get a mention. And once they have footage, they’ll use it time and again. One of the best locations is outside parliament. On their way to ambushing politicians, TV will see you and your placard and you’ll be on 6 o’clock news before you can take it down. To use an old expression - Bob’s your uncle.
Protests are also a good way to attract TV crews to your town or city. TV news is so Aucklandcentric, they haven’t heard of Whanganui or Balclutha. You must make them aware. A billboard wielding protestor from a forgotten location could encourage them to find out where it is. With that in mind, I’ve found a cause to protest about.
I live in a cul-de-sac with nine others in Palmerston North. Sadly, one of them has called it Olpharts Lane, which alarms me. I’m neither old nor flatulent. I thought of protesting the name, but someone got wind of what I was doing and said they’d protest my protest. That could cause confusion with TV.
I’m up in arms about my issue even if it’s easier for most elderly residents to be down in legs rather than up in arms. One of our attractions has been the nearby fruit and vegetable market. Tragically, it’s been ejected from its site to make way for a petrol station. It’s a bit like East Street market on Saturday being re-routed to Mona Square because KiwiRail wants the area for shunting. I’m about to protest the decision.
I’ll be a nimby – not in my back yard – and demand that work stops and leeks, cabbages and bananas return. I have five placards in mind, which are: “Lettuce stop now”, “nectarine, not gasoline”, “Butternut carry on”, “squash progress” and “pau pau choice.”
I want my protest to be fruitful. I thought of “coleslaw, not cold sore” but didn’t know if service stations cause hickeys. However, with barriers up around the area and a bulldozer in place, I might be too late. But first I must develop a case for my protest. I know petrol fumes will affect our health and cause respiratory problems, but the prevailing wind always blows in the other direction. That’s not good enough.
I’ve studied Dr Google and learned volatile organic compounds from petrol vapors can cause fertility issues. Now the average age of Olpharts Lane is 84 – and I’m the youngest – and we haven’t had rumpy-pumpy this century. Inconceivable. Only our fruit trees have fertility issues. To confirm matters, I discussed the idea with my neighbour, 94-year-old Neil Monro. Neil should be the hero of the MC Hammers, Canterbury and Crusaders as his grandfather, Charles Monro, was the patron saint of New Zealand rugby.
Charles organised the first game of footy in Nelson in1870. That decision was crucial. What if he’d introduced hockey instead? In a recent test match, DMac, playing for the Black Sticks, would have scored the winning goal on his back in the corner with his hockey stick up his trouser legs. Neil sat on his grandfather’s knee aged two but doesn’t remember much else.
While he was grateful for his grandparents’ fertility, he didn’t think they lived near a petrol station. Bugger! I then studied the impact on house valuations but was told a property near a supermarket and a petrol station could be an asset. With a funeral director around the corner, Olpharts Lane is a desirable location. Mine had to be a lone protest.
I thought of ringing TV news but knew they wouldn’t know where Palmerston North was. Six hours south of Sky Tower is too far away for them. Then the inspiration came. I would go to them. What an idea! I’m sure there’s a daily roster for protesters outside TV headquarters. I could slot in. I just need to sort myself out. Have billboard, will travel. Watch out for me.
By Malcolm Hopwood
The one thing television news loves more than anything else is protestors. They adore them. You only need to oppose the Government and they’ll travel hundreds of kilometres to record your protest. If you wave a billboard, that’s even better. They pant with pleasure.
Even if there’s only one or two of you, you’ll still get a mention. And once they have footage, they’ll use it time and again. One of the best locations is outside parliament. On their way to ambushing politicians, TV will see you and your placard and you’ll be on 6 o’clock news before you can take it down. To use an old expression - Bob’s your uncle.
Protests are also a good way to attract TV crews to your town or city. TV news is so Aucklandcentric, they haven’t heard of Whanganui or Balclutha. You must make them aware. A billboard wielding protestor from a forgotten location could encourage them to find out where it is. With that in mind, I’ve found a cause to protest about.
I live in a cul-de-sac with nine others in Palmerston North. Sadly, one of them has called it Olpharts Lane, which alarms me. I’m neither old nor flatulent. I thought of protesting the name, but someone got wind of what I was doing and said they’d protest my protest. That could cause confusion with TV.
I’m up in arms about my issue even if it’s easier for most elderly residents to be down in legs rather than up in arms. One of our attractions has been the nearby fruit and vegetable market. Tragically, it’s been ejected from its site to make way for a petrol station. It’s a bit like East Street market on Saturday being re-routed to Mona Square because KiwiRail wants the area for shunting. I’m about to protest the decision.
I’ll be a nimby – not in my back yard – and demand that work stops and leeks, cabbages and bananas return. I have five placards in mind, which are: “Lettuce stop now”, “nectarine, not gasoline”, “Butternut carry on”, “squash progress” and “pau pau choice.”
I want my protest to be fruitful. I thought of “coleslaw, not cold sore” but didn’t know if service stations cause hickeys. However, with barriers up around the area and a bulldozer in place, I might be too late. But first I must develop a case for my protest. I know petrol fumes will affect our health and cause respiratory problems, but the prevailing wind always blows in the other direction. That’s not good enough.
I’ve studied Dr Google and learned volatile organic compounds from petrol vapors can cause fertility issues. Now the average age of Olpharts Lane is 84 – and I’m the youngest – and we haven’t had rumpy-pumpy this century. Inconceivable. Only our fruit trees have fertility issues. To confirm matters, I discussed the idea with my neighbour, 94-year-old Neil Monro. Neil should be the hero of the MC Hammers, Canterbury and Crusaders as his grandfather, Charles Monro, was the patron saint of New Zealand rugby.
Charles organised the first game of footy in Nelson in1870. That decision was crucial. What if he’d introduced hockey instead? In a recent test match, DMac, playing for the Black Sticks, would have scored the winning goal on his back in the corner with his hockey stick up his trouser legs. Neil sat on his grandfather’s knee aged two but doesn’t remember much else.
While he was grateful for his grandparents’ fertility, he didn’t think they lived near a petrol station. Bugger! I then studied the impact on house valuations but was told a property near a supermarket and a petrol station could be an asset. With a funeral director around the corner, Olpharts Lane is a desirable location. Mine had to be a lone protest.
I thought of ringing TV news but knew they wouldn’t know where Palmerston North was. Six hours south of Sky Tower is too far away for them. Then the inspiration came. I would go to them. What an idea! I’m sure there’s a daily roster for protesters outside TV headquarters. I could slot in. I just need to sort myself out. Have billboard, will travel. Watch out for me.
By Malcolm Hopwood
